I've decided to add this page to the site, purely as a place for me to praise the bands I love, rant about those I loathe, mention whatever movies or tv shows I might happen upon and think warrant attention, be it positive or negative, and summarize anything of note contained within the books I read...

I don't intend to do much in the way of detailed reviews, there are sites such as theprp.com who do a far better job than I ever could, I just want to share the media that has captured my attention, though I will insist that if you disagree with anything you find on this page, you are wrong...

13-march-2oo8

Ok, here’s the challenge:

1. Take a walk down the halls of Rolling Stone magazine
2. Go for a stroll through a retirement home where the residents have refused to accept the existence of any bands and/or musical styles not present during, or prior to, the eighties
3. Try and pick the difference(s)

Shaking your head while conceding “There just aren’t any…” is the only possible outcome.

Rolling Stone should just rename itself ‘Remember W.H.E.N (We Hate Everything New)’ and get it over with. Who do they think they’re fooling? One only need take a gander at their ‘5oo Greatest Albums of All Time’ to see the overwhelming and unjustifiable bias toward the past…

The Beach Boys – Pet Sounds is apparently the second greatest album of all time. I find that hard to believe.
The B-52’s self-titled effort better than Master of Puppets, and a whole 1oo entries better than Metallica’s self-titled album? Unlikely.

Tool gets zero mentions, but don't worry, I-change-my-appearance-a-lot-so-hopefully-you-won't-notice-my-music-sucks-Madonna manages four entries. One of which is the abysmal (even by her standards) Music album. For shame…
 
Now, if Family Guy has taught me nothing else, it’s that Randy Newman is a laughing stock. So imagine my surprise that he’s released not one, not two, but three(!) of the greatest albums of all time! 

The entries granted to the Beach Boys and Devo require no further comment.

So how many of the albums were actually released within living memory? My count is approximately 42. Which leaves a whopping 458 that were released in the eighties or earlier...

But on the upside, I’ve managed to crack the impossibly simple way to guarantee yourself a monthly paycheck should you find yourself looking for a new career path: simply apply for a cd reviewer position down at Rolling Stone, and bring this handy rating guide with you:

Category 1) Old band/side-project of someone from an old band
Category 2) Modern, alternative band (from absolutely any genre)
Category 3) Pop album (big sales & barely musically competent)
Category 4) Pop album (big sales & undeniable lack of musical competence)

Let’s take a look at some actual examples from recent reviews:

Category 1’s:
The Smiths - The Queen is Dead (1986). Pre-nineties. Therefore:
Talking Heads - Remain in Light (198o). Pre-nineties. Therefore:

Category 2’s:
Coheed & Cambria - No World for Tomorrow.
Tegan & Sara - The Con.
Bjork – Volta.
Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank.
Arcade Fire - Neon Bible.
El Perro Del Mar - Self Titled.
Trivium - The Crusade.
Deftones - Saturday Night Wrist.
Mars Volta – Amputechture.
Muse - Black Holes & Revelations.
Cat Power - The Greatest.
System of a Down – Hypnotize.
Killswitch Engage - End of Heartache.
Regina Spektor - Begin to Hope.

Category 3’s:
Britney Spears – Blackout.
Fergie - The Dutchess.
Justin Timberlake - Futuresex/Lovesounds.
Pink - I’m Not Dead (unfortunately).

Category 4’s:
Paris Hilton – Paris.
Sugababes - Three.

Ok, now you try a few:
Elvis Costello - This Year’s Model (re-issue). Hmm, not sure? Well, I’ll give you a hint, the original version was released in 1978. That’s right, it’s old. Therefore:

Tool – 1o,ooo Days (2oo6). Well, it’s modern, and it’s not pop. So… If you said Category 2, you’d be correct.

Brian Wilson - Smile (2oo4). Ahh, a tricky one! What we need to remember is that even though this album was released recently, Brian Wilson was one of the Beach Boys, who are an old band. Therefore, the correct answer is Category 1:

If it's not insulting enough that Britney's "I need some quick cash to pay for legal/therapy bills so write something new for me to sing along to" Blackout album is awarded the same number of stars as the Arcade Fire's Neon Bible, when my rating guide does occasionally break down, things get down-right offensive - such as these instances where each of the following, according to the lunatics at Rolling Stone, are somehow WORSE(!?) than Paris Hilton’s half-baked attempt at selling a collection of almost-songs on a disc:
Machine Head - The Blackening
Klaxons - Myths of the Near Future
Blood Brothers - Young Machetes
Thursday - A City by the Light Divided
Elbow - Leaders of the Free World
Dillinger Escape Plan - Miss Machine If there is a single greater indicator that a supposed music magazine’s opinion is utterly worthless than this two-star rating slapped on one of the most technically impressive and progressive bands on the planet at the moment, I am yet to encounter it.

Case closed.

Daz